While I was at the Sanrio 80s prom last night I, along with zoetica and shrinkle, (and others I imagine) were approached individually by a scout for the Style Network’s show “How Do I Look?”. This woman asked me, “Do you always dress like this?”
I was taken aback and, unsure what she wanted of me as of yet, I replied, “Uhm. Maybe? Most of these pieces are from my wardrobe, but a couple are from my sister in law.”
She then handed me a flyer for the show she was recruiting for.

I didn’t have a lot of time (or care) to read through this flyer right at that moment, so I listened to her pitch about how I’d be just perfect for this show, I’d be given $1000 worth of new wardrobe, I get to have my friends (called “accomplices”) in on it and that a CELEBRITY STYLIST (insert jazz hands here) would be helping me with my new look.
Now, what this young woman didn’t know about me (other than everything) is that because I am the recipient of government programs that help with my medical expenses I cannot just go on television and reap a bunch of prizes as they’re thrown at me. There are rules, limitations and regulations my life has to strictly abide when it comes to money or “gifts”. But since that was none of her business, nor was I in the mood to delve into it, I just politely smiled, nodded and let her give me her spiel.

I wasn’t completely clueless to what she was saying, as I had an acquaintance in college who was the begrudging victim of the Ambush Make Over television show that turned her schoolgirl goth look into something totally not her (she referred to it as preppy. By the way, notice preppy isn’t listed on the flyer?). She said she hated it and was going to go right back to her old style. I don’t know if the episode ever aired =P

Having the knowledge of this person’s experience, I asked the scout, “So, I’m just going to get a makeover that conforms to what people want to see me in?”
I could have imagined it, but I swear that for a split second the scout’s eyes glazed over before her smiled tightened as she squeaked, “Yeah!”
Lolwut?

NOTE: Before I go further into this post, I want to point out that this woman, who shall completely retain her privacy, was only doing her job. I don’t take issue with her, merely the scummy show she was recruiting for.

When I got home and had time to decompress from all of the GLAMTASTIC fun, I finally took the time to read what the flyer actually said. Please take a moment to read this flyer thoroughly:

take special note that this flyer is intended for the “accomplices” and not really the actual people to be recruited.

For starters, I identify with all of these looks on some level. I love the gorgeous aesthetics of a gothic wardrobe, I love flowing broomsticks skirts and the 80s are ingrained into my very soul. Plus, when is it ever a bad time for polka dots?

I was going to let this matter go, but then I received an email from the same woman. Without her details, here is what the message read:

“In preparation for the audition:
MAKEOVER CANDIDATES
Look your worst. Don’t do your hair or makeup. (UNLESS YOU ARE KNOWN FOR LOTS OF MAKEUP AND BIG HAIR-THEN, YES, DO YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP!) We are looking for original and crazy fashion ruts so do not wear jeans and t-shirts or tank tops-please wear something that is COLORFUL AND STANDS OUT!
Bring a minimum of 20 articles of clothing. The more the better. (Please bring them in something portable and easy to pack up).
Be yourself. We just want to get to know the real you.
Defend your look! Even if some people may think you need a makeover, we want to know that you love it. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Do not come to the audition prepared to tell us that you don’t like your look. Tell us how much you do.
Your look MUST be real. Please do not fake or fabricate any look. Wear what you wear.

ACCOMPLICES (If you do not have an accomplice coming with you to the audition that is fine).
Come looking your best. You MUST be camera ready. This means FULL HAIR AND MAKEUP. Keep in mind that the camera washes you out and that is not flattering. If you take the time to do full hair and makeup you will look fine on camera.
Dress as though you are going to a wedding or high end restaurant or an upscale event. Hair and makeup done. We cannot stress this enough. The only thing our producers see is you on camera. If you are not presented in a fashionable and put together way, you will not come across as someone who can help makeover someone else. Please take the time to make sure you are as put together as possible.
DO YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP AND IF YOU WEAR LIPSTICK, PLEASE PUT IT ON AND BRING IT WITH FOR TOUCH UPS BEFORE WE AUDITION YOU.
Please do not wear outfits that are too revealing. Do not show your cleavage, and please cover up any large tattoos. If you have any piercing other than earrings, please take them out. It is hard to understand people on camera when they have tongue rings. Take these out.
No hats.
Please bring a change of clothing. Sometimes certain colors or patterns can look weird on camera.
Be yourself. We just want to get to know the real you and what it is about the makeover candidate’s style that you dislike. This tape is just for us and our producers. It will not be on TV and the makeover candidate will not see it, so be as open and honest as possible”

I honestly don’t know where to begin because I don’t understand half of it. The first parts are so confusing; it’s like the worst algebraic equation I’ve ever cast my eyes on. Let’s dissect these instructions, shall we?

“Look your worst” = Does that mean “We have no tactful way of asking you to dress as you normally do, because assuming you qualify for our show you would clearly only have a wardrobe consisting of the styles we disapprove of.” or “Don’t shower. Look like you’ve been homeless and down on your luck since junior high.”

“Be yourself. We just want to know the real you” = Does this mean, “Well, the you that we want you to be on television because we don’t just throw handbags at any geek off the street.” or does this mean “We’re genuinely interested in assisting you to a better life in our Condition Centers. Now have some soma.”

“Defend your look! Even if some people may think you need a makeover, we want to know that you love it. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Do not come to the audition prepared to tell us that you don’t like your look. Tell us how much you do.”
= This is my favorite bit. It’s so patronizing in its obvious set-up for humiliation and negativity. You know, if this was a show where the participant WANTED a new look and needed help to achieve it, I wouldn’t have a problem with this.

I think the directions for the “accomplices” have it worse. The first part of their instructions are crystal clear, “BITCHES BEST BE LOOKIN’ SWANK.”
Yeah. That part I get.
“If you are not presented in a fashionable and put together way, you will not come across as someone who can help makeover someone else.”
Oh, so they better not resemble me in any manner, shape or way, right? The one time conformity will not be smiled upon, I suppose.

“DO YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP AND IF YOU WEAR LIPSTICK, PLEASE PUT IT ON AND BRING IT WITH FOR TOUCH UPS BEFORE WE AUDITION YOU.”
= DID YOU HEAR THAT? LIPSTICK OR DEATH! LIPSTICK OR DEATH!!!!!!exclamation!

“Please do not wear outfits that are too revealing. Do not show your cleavage, and please cover up any large tattoos. If you have any piercing other than earrings, please take them out. It is hard to understand people on camera when they have tongue rings. Take these out.”
= Because like wearing polka-dots, “Goth” and other expressions of self that make us frowny, breasts, tattoos and piercings sends a message of unprofessionalism, not to mention that they are unequivocally unAmerican. We find them threatening like bombs and too much plaid.

“No hats.”
Aw, not even this one:

I do look good in fancy pirate hats

“Be yourself. We just want to get to know the real you and what it is about the makeover candidate’s style that you dislike. This tape is just for us and our producers. It will not be on TV and the makeover candidate will not see it, so be as open and honest as possible”
= Talk as much shit about your friend and their atrocious style. Make no mention that respect, trust and support are the key ingredients to a healthy friendship. Just tell us how much their wardrobe makes you want to vomit. Oh, and tell us about yourself…humane work…yadda yadda.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but this turned from television nonsense to personal for me when I was reading their list of the fashion police’s most wanted and came across this:
“Totally mismatched all the time”

The very reason why I was tormented for years by psychotic elementary schoolgirls was because I didn’t know (or care to know) how to match my clothes. I looked the way I did because that’s how I felt, goddamn it, and I wasn’t going to let some stuck up kid push me around. Oh, I cried because of them. I begged my parents not to send me to school. Those girls were the only reasons that made school a terrible place to be.
And the Style Network just validated them; along with those of you out there who were teased for being goth or wanting to dress up like you stepped out of a John Hughes film, or for having an adoration for the color pink, or vintage, plaid or polka dots.

In an age where children are killing themselves because they are ruthlessly tormented over their sexuality – an aspect of life that, unlike the clothes we wear, is not a choice – this kind of vapid, self-righteous anti-individualism cannot be given in to – and it begs to be asked:

When the hell did it become okay to validate the bully mentality? When did somebody “green light” the idea to throw cash at people in compensation for judging, ridiculing and ultimately “fixing” a problem that was never a problem to begin with? Why is it acceptable to tell people that their expression of personal identity is WRONG?

I don’t have the answers to these questions, unfortunately. Even more unfortunate, How Do I Look? is not the only outlet or television program for that matter that aims to force individuals into a style that fits the comfort level of what they perceive their demographic to be.

What we wear, how we present ourselves to the world is one of the first and, for some, the most sacred of ways we present our soul to the world. It is not a punching bag ready for the masses to take on.

If looking like I stepped out of a Pretty Poison music video is wrong, I don’t wanna be fucking right. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go eat some granola, listen to some Cyndi Lauper and read some goddamn Edgar Allen Poe. As I sort my plaids from my polka-dots.